An Education

Dead inside, I am

- but I haven’t been killed.

Dead inside, I am.

-       and no one bothered to burry me.

And it is not exactly as if I actually died,

But more as if I herein am forced to live – or better, to exist – with Death within.

Dead inside, I am.

And a part of me was not amputated, but merely shut down to a subordinate and necrotic numb existence, spreading Death to everything that is around.

Let it be? Easier said than done, I am afraid…

For I’ve been to Paris

(and that goes for being extremely, intensely alive)

And in the dark I lie missing colours, for I wasn’t born blind…

And men in my life – well, in truth simply boys – keep suffocating me with doubts and passions and fears and complications that, quite frankly, I couldn’t care less for

When, reality stated, the only men I Loved – (pause) – he no longer is.

Dead inside, I am

… but I can’t see a way to get back to life.

Maybe, just maybe it is meant to be so. Exist dead without living or dying.

And, unfortunately, I did not go – for I am not Jenny

Nor was I good enough to stick to plan A

(and in this secondary type of crawling, day by day, I sadly am).